Public Loss, Private Grief

Australia Overnight. The death of a very public person can be a grief trigger for losses we’ve experienced in our own lives, and as the world collectively mourns the life of Pope Francis, there is a strong emotion affecting a large group of people. To explain this more, Michelle Moriarty, grief expert and founder of Grief Connect, is back on the show. Hi there, Michelle.

Michelle: Hi, Pat.

Pat: This phenomenon, where a large group of people are mourning the loss of Pope Francis, has a name, doesn’t it?

Michelle: It absolutely does. It’s called emotional contagion – that ripple effect that can quite often happen when there is a public death. It might not be that we’re necessarily religious or Catholic in this case, but it’s when we actually feel the grief when we’re around other people who are also grieving that public figure. It can quite often occur subconsciously, so we can almost absorb and mirror the feelings of those around us – it’s a very natural human response.

Pat: Interesting, we are all connected, aren’t we? As you say, even subconsciously, we look at it, feel it, read it, and it connects with us, because we’re all having that experience, large groups of us at that one time. A very interesting thing that happens.

Michelle: It is, and one of the things to be mindful of, when we are grieving someone – and it might not be someone we necessarily know personally, such as the Pope, but we still have a relationship with him and with his values and his teachings and that religious side for many people in Australia – is that if that’s something you relate to, just be cautious as you go forward, around personal grief triggers on top of already grieving for the Pope, because one of the things that can happen when we’re exposed to information like this is that our personal triggers and missing people from our personal life can also be triggered. One of the things I saw in the media was that there is an open casket for the Pope, and that in itself can be confronting, whether or not you’ve had that experience before with a loved one – and quite often that can bring up grief triggers, and we can go through another grief processing for personal losses as well as the public loss.

Pat: Yeah, I remember seeing that footage, and there was a warning actually, as the presenter threw to the footage she did give a warning about that, because, as you say, the Pope was lying in his casket there. I know that you founded Grief Connect through your own personal experience in this space, we’ve spoken about that before – so is this something that happens where we all suffer grief, but when it’s on a larger scale, sometimes you relive it when there’s a public figure who passes away, or something in the news, it’s always out there, do you think, Michelle?

Michelle: Absolutely, it certainly is something many of us are impacted by – it may be a public figure, it may be a celebrity death, anything that’s promoted within the media as news. One of the things that’s really important to be mindful of, as we go forward through Pope Francis’ funeral on Saturday at the Vatican, is that we also make sure that if we do find we are triggered, we consider how we may be triggered further, such as watching television and media and also social media through scrolling. Quite often what can happen with these triggers on social media, especially with the scrolling action, is that because we don’t have control over the algorithms and what news feed is put in front of our eyes when we’re scrolling, that can cause triggers when we’re not prepared. So processing our grief is always more helpful and smooth if we feel like we have a sense of control. But what happens with social media and television news is that we can be exposed when we’re not quite prepared to do some grief processing. So one of the things we can do around social media is firstly be aware of the triggers we may be exposed to, and put in some boundaries – and when I talk about boundaries, I mean it’s okay to turn social media off for a little while if you’re finding there are too many triggers, or it’s too confronting, or you’re being triggered when you’re not quite ready. You can make that choice yourself – we all have that element of control around what we expose ourselves to in terms of social media. It’s also okay to hide posts, turn off notifications, and there’s also a snooze for 30 days option as well, so if you don’t want to give up what you normally watch, but you feel like you might need a little bit of a break or a boundary, it’s okay to use those options for self-care around grief.

Pat: Australia Overnight, we’re chatting with Michelle Moriarty, a grief expert and the founder of Grief Connect, about this phenomenon, emotional contagion, where large groups experience grief and the emotion of grief, like we are now with the passing of Pope Francis. So I hear that you have to be more hands-on and cultivate it – maybe switching off or snoozing for 30 days the social media posts, actively controlling where you are and who you’re talking to, that’s okay and that’s part of the process.

Michelle: Absolutely. And the flip to this, Pat, is that you can also choose to really immerse yourself in the rituals and traditions of grief processing. A perfect example, with this weekend, as we’re coming to the funeral for Pope Francis, is that the funeral will be televised, and there will also be avenues through the internet to be a part of those rituals and traditions in terms of grief processing, and that can be really helpful in moving forward and also honouring and acknowledging the person who’s died.

Pat: I think a lot of people can relate to this – of course they can, with the grief and the triggers – but I’m also thinking about triggers from a relationship breakdown. I remember, in early days for me with a relationship breakdown, maybe going past a park and seeing kids being pushed on a swing, and you think, oh well, I used to do that, I was part of that sort of world. So this relates across – grief comes in many forms, and this sort of trigger, driving past a building or a place or something, can bring that thought back.

Michelle: Absolutely, and grief transcends through to many different situations, so it’s not necessarily death-specific – which you’ve also outlined in terms of relationships and loss, which is essentially the definition of grief, the loss of. There are many different situations where we can be impacted by grief, and the first step in being able to process our grief is to acknowledge how we’re feeling, because quite often we can try to ignore those feelings or push them down, and that’s not necessarily so helpful, because it can sometimes create a pressure-cooker effect with grief.

Pat: So exposing yourself to it within the limits, slowly building that resilience, you can sort of start to deal with it in a better way moving forward – exposing yourself to it in a strategic way might be a good idea then, Michelle?

Michelle: Yeah, if you can, then being able to have that sense of control around what you’re exposing yourself to can be helpful, and that can go whether you expose yourself fully to it or have a break and set some boundaries around that. It’s also very important to be able to acknowledge and have that self-awareness around your processing and what you’re choosing to do with that, because grief is such a complex experience, and it’s so unique and individual for everybody – how I grieve, Pat, is going to be different to how you grieve, and that continues out for everyone. So we all do it differently, and there is no right or wrong way to do this – I mean, of course, if there are safety concerns, then we need to reach out for help, but when it comes to the grieving process itself, it can be really unpredictable and quite messy at times. One of the first things I experience when I’m counselling people who are experiencing grief, having experienced a death, is that they’ll come to me and quite often that first session is around them saying, I feel like I’m going mad, or I’m losing my mind, what’s happening. And once we start exploring the situation, and they’ve experienced the death of a loved one very close to them, they start to realise that this is actually a grief process. Having that acknowledgement around what grief is and does to us, how it looks and how it feels, can also be very empowering and helpful if you’re the person who’s grieving.

Pat: Australia Overnight, Michelle Moriarty, the founder of Grief Connect – do you have to be forgiving with friends and family, talking about triggers and things that happen often? Someone might forget for a little bit that it’s going to impact you in a certain way – you need to just be aware that may happen as well?

Michelle: Yeah, look, it’s really important to have some awareness around how that will impact you, and also quite often what can be helpful is having some plans around how you can move forward through those challenging periods, over the next few days or the next day.

Pat: And I guess the death of a public figure as well reminds us that that’s something we all share – we all end up that way, we’re all human, and that’s the way it is for all of us.

Michelle: This is exactly right, it is a part of being human. But also what can be brought up for us when we experience a public death is some feelings of vulnerability about life’s impermanence, because that in itself can be quite scary, it can evoke a sense of fear, because quite often it’s the unknown – or if we’re faith-based, there’s also faith that can be followed along with that. But generally, if we’re feeling confronted with that sense of vulnerability, it can also be important to recognise that, and quite often what can be helpful is to start having conversations. One of the things I’m passionate about with the Grief Language Project is encouraging people to start having open, honest and real conversations about death and grief, because when we can start doing that, it really does reduce that sense of fear and vulnerability. And emotional contagion, this phenomenon where we’re all experiencing grief as a large group, can also bring some comfort.

Pat: I remember an experience where I lost somebody close at work – this happens to many people, they’re there one day and then they’re not, and you think, well, we work together from day to day in the next office, you spend so much time at work, but then when you go home, your family don’t understand it because it’s a work relationship, but you’re really devastated by the loss. So to have others around you experiencing a similar feeling could be a nice thing as well, there’s a bit of comfort in there.

Michelle: There certainly can bring that sense of comfort and unity when we’re experiencing emotional contagion, and it’s also based on a sense of empathy, which is also a very healthy and natural human response – that we are empathetic towards each other, that we care about each other and want to help each other through tough times, and that also brings us to that sense of collective grief, where we start being able to process grief and loss together. We are not supposed to be doing grief alone, and unfortunately that is something that is happening far too often across Australia, and hence our incredibly high mental health outcomes in terms of people needing help. So what can help with that is having really safe and comfortable conversations, and let’s be honest, quite often those conversations are not comfortable to start with, but the more we do it the better we get at it, and the easier those conversations are able to be held, and our confidence grows in that – and especially the best thing about that is that we’re connecting with each other and improving our mental health.

Pat: And you’re doing a big part of that too, of course, Michelle, with those courageous conversations, continuing to talk about it on this radio program and others, and helping all of us with mental health and dealing with this important part of being human. Good on you, thank you Michelle – always a pleasure to have you on.

Michelle: Thank you, Pat, you too.

Michelle Moriarty is a grief expert and a semi-regular on our show, we love having her on. Australia Overnight, thanks Michelle.

Michelle: Thanks Pat.