Michelle Moriarty with Mike Jeffreys from Sydney 2GB Radio discussing what not to say to someone who is grieving.

Michelle Moriarty is a grief expert, social worker and founder of Grief Connect.

Mike: Michelle, good morning. Thank you for doing this.

Michelle: Good morning and thank you for having me.

Mike: You say what not to say to someone who’s grieving. It can be difficult to know, and of course it can vary so much from person to person – what your relationship with them is, the exact circumstances. It’s hard to know where to start. I mean, you can’t just sort of make a few blanket rules and say one size fits all, can you?

Michelle: Absolutely not. It’s really individual, as is grief. So the way that we approach a conversation or support someone with statements is also going to be very individual, depending on the person, your relationship with the person and the situation in general.

Mike: There are different levels, of course, of grief. I mean, somebody might be very unhappy because they got the sack, or the love of their life left them. On the other hand, maybe their child was killed – so there’s a whole range of grief situations which impact on the individual, some more than others, and some more lasting than others.

Michelle: There is a full spectrum of grief. Exactly how you explained – we may experience grief due to the loss, and the definition of grief is the loss of. So we can translate that through to every situation. It may be the loss of a job, the loss of finances, or, in today’s current world, the loss of your home. And then again, it can also transfer over to the loss of a person – and in my case, it was my late partner who had died. It is very difficult and challenging for all different types of grief, just that they’re so different in how they present and the impact.

Mike: So how long had you been together, you and your partner?

Michelle: Nathan and I were together – we have quite a lengthy romantic story, but in our later life we were together for, gosh, probably around five years. We were high school sweethearts as well when we were younger, and we had a child together. So it was certainly a shock and a tragic shock for me as I entered into my journey with grief and young widowhood.

Mike: Indeed. So what were the circumstances? Was it an accident? Was it a health issue that was unexpected?

Michelle: When Nathan died, it was a sudden death – certainly unexpected to all of us, including himself. And the ripple effect of his death was that I went into a great period of deep shock, which is a really common experience for people who have experienced a sudden death. However, there are many other types of death and grief – such as if someone has experienced a long-term illness, there can be a different experience, because that person, if they’re supporting their person who is dying, often experiences what’s called anticipatory grief. So their grief process actually begins prior to their person’s actual time of death.

Mike: So, if I can put it this way – what were you hoping for from people around you?

Michelle: The changing factor for me with people around me was simply their acknowledgement of my loss and my grieving process, because for me and for many, many widowed and grieving people, when we enter into a period of grief it feels so surreal and so terrifying, that we don’t know what to do, how to move forward, or what to do or say. And quite often the impact is that people around us don’t know what to do or say either. It’s a very common Australian sense when it comes to grief – we feel awkward and uncomfortable because we’re just not confident in knowing what to do or say to support someone.

Mike: So we’ve got a top five list of things not to say. Number one – everything happens for a reason.

Michelle: Well, I don’t know why people say that in any circumstances. We do have some control over our lives, but essentially it’s a very random business. To say it all happens for a reason is kind of implying that there’s some greater plan that we don’t understand. It’s a really challenging statement to be around, especially when it comes to death-specific loss, because quite often nothing could be worse than your person dying – so in the mind of the person who might be grieving, nothing is happening for a reason right now. It can be a very minimising statement.

Mike: It’s kind of dismissive, isn’t it?

Michelle: It certainly is. I also want to acknowledge that people say statements like this because it’s said with good intention quite often – it just comes out without too much thought about the actual greater impact on that person’s grief experience. What we can do instead of making a statement like everything happens for a reason is being present to the person and checking in with them around how they’re grieving. Questions like “how are you travelling?” are a really great open-ended question – it allows the person who’s grieving to respond in a manner that feels most appropriate and comfortable for them.

Mike: I know how you feel – you don’t recommend that one.

Michelle: That one’s also a tricky one, quite often, because the person who has experienced an immediate loss and is feeling overwhelmed with grief feels like – and this is my experience too – it feels like you’re the only person going through that exact experience. So to have someone come in and say “I know how you feel, I was divorced so I get this”, or “my dog died as well so I understand”, can very much take away from that person’s actual experience.

Mike: Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone else.

Michelle: Once again, that’s meant with good intentions, but it’s kind of dismissive. Coming from a young widow perspective, or an over-55 widow perspective, there certainly is no consideration given to meeting somebody else, especially when it’s very early days along the grief journey in widowhood. It can be a very dismissive statement, and quite offensive, given the situation.

Mike: They’re in a better place.

Michelle: I was talking to someone about this statement, and their experience was watching a person in their family they love dearly deteriorate through terminal illness – so they had a different view on it, in that they could almost understand why someone might say “they’re in a better place”, because the dying experience can quite often be very traumatic for those around them too. However, when it comes to saying a statement like this generally, it can come back to – well, the best place for a person we’re missing is with us here on this earth. We really just prefer to be acknowledged for our situation, and having someone check in and say “grief really sucks, and I can see how much this is causing you distress” – making statements that are acknowledging and supportive in that manner.

Mike: And number five on the top five things not to say to somebody who’s grieving – you need to move on?

Michelle: Yes. I’ve worked with many widowed people in particular who’ve had others around them say, after their partner had died, “it’s been 12 months now, you need to move on”. There’s no timeline around when we grieve or when there’s a time to move forward, and having someone come with a very authoritative statement like this can be very unsettling – especially if that person isn’t ready, if they’re still needing to feel their grief and sit in that space and allow time to process what’s happened to them and missing their person. Statements like “you need to move on” can be really damaging.

Mike: So when it comes to phrases you recommend – how you’re travelling?

Michelle: It’s such a wonderful open statement. We can also ask, how have you been coping? “Just keep pushing through” is one we talk about a lot in the widowed and grieving community – take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time, in no particular order. We can also add in questions like “how can I support you through the day today?” – really open questions that allow the person who’s grieving to tell you what it is that they might need, or think they need. They might say “look, I don’t know, there’s nothing you can do, you can’t bring my person back” – but the point is that you’ve reached in and checked in with that person, and you can follow up by letting them know that you’re there for them and you’ll continue to check in.

Mike: Michelle, appreciate your time and comments. Thank you for coming on the program.

Michelle: Thank you so much.