Graziher podcast – Life On The Land With Michelle Moriarty

Welcome to this special series of Graziher’s Life on the Land, where we deep dive into the lives, passions and projects of each of the seven national finalists of the 2023 AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award.

Grief is a consuming, mercurial beast. Loss is never easy, but the shock when it’s unexpected can ripple through every facet of our lives, rocking the very foundation we stand on. This was the experience for Western Australian Bunbury local Michelle Moriarty, who found herself widowed aged only 38, very suddenly, on the 10th of June 2018. Grappling with loss, the social worker withdrew from the world for nearly three years, but has emerged to create a legacy that her partner Nathan would be proud of.

Michelle: Nathan was a really happy, jolly guy. He was six foot four, a fly-in fly-out worker on the mines – his favourite machine was the dozer, and he was famous for some of his antics on it, from what I hear. He was a great dad, always playing with the kids, very hands-on with all the nappy changing.

Emma: He sounds like a fantastic person, and he left a big hole in your life and your children’s. What was your life like immediately after his death?

Michelle: I went into shock, because Nathan’s death was unexpected, and my family and I had to band together, because our whole lives had been upturned – everything I knew about my life was suddenly no longer there. It was about trying to figure out what to do next – I needed a lot of help from family, community and friends just to keep going, because the shock factor was so huge. It affected my cognitive functioning and ability to process information, which is also part of grieving – at the time I didn’t really understand what was happening to me, I thought I was going mad, but I wasn’t. What I was experiencing was normal grief, I just didn’t have that in-depth knowledge of the huge impact grief has on people.

Emma: It’s so interesting you say that, because at this point you’d been a social worker for 13 years, and had helped people through enormous life changes. Were you surprised by the enormity of your own experience of grieving?

Michelle: Absolutely. That shock factor was so overwhelming, and as time moved on it lessened, but grief can still make daily life functioning very hard – simple things that were easy before suddenly became extremely difficult, going to the shops or the bank or the licensing centre, because it means having to face the world and talk to people about what’s happened.

Emma: You were also a mum to two young children, your youngest just two at the time. How did you cope with parenting through such a turbulent time?

Michelle: I was very fortunate that Nathan’s two older sisters and my mum and dad were very hands-on helping with the children – I really needed that, because going through grief we often need a lot of rest and time and space to process. One of Nathan’s sisters never left from the night he died, and lived with me for three months, helping intensively in the home. Over those three months I was able to build up my capacity to go back to normal life, or figure out my new normal – it certainly wasn’t the normal I knew before. It also comes down to community – people in my street and friendship circle were bringing meals, checking in, helping with the garden, all the additional tasks Nathan would have done before.

Emma: You were only in your late 30s – did you consider yourself a widow, or call yourself one?

Michelle: I didn’t actually realise I was a widow until I went into a government organisation and saw the word “widow” on their computer screen – that was a huge shock, so surreal, definitely nothing I ever thought would happen to me at 38. I’ll be a widow forever in my eyes, because being a widow, for me, means that Nathan existed, and it’s important to have that recognition as part of who I am, and to honour his life. But I know other widowed people who don’t like to identify with being a widow, and that’s okay too – there’s no right or wrong in how we go forward with grief.

Emma: You grew up in Bunbury with a deeply entrenched community there. Is it easier or more difficult to go through death-related grief in a regional town, where you often don’t have anonymity and everybody tends to know your story?

Michelle: There are definitely pros and cons. The positives are that people have good intentions and are caring – that was so important for me, having people offering support, even when I wasn’t able to respond to all the texts or calls. Just receiving them meant people cared, and that I wasn’t lonely in my grief. Some of the cons are that if you’re at the shop just picking up bread and milk, that’s all you want to focus on, you don’t want to sit in the grief too much, but then people ask questions and check in – so it really is pros and cons.

Emma: I find sometimes people tend not to even acknowledge it, even though it’s so at the forefront of your brain, because their intentions are good, they don’t want to remind you of something that’s already there. What do you say to people about acknowledgement of grief – do you recommend they just come out and say it?

Michelle: It really depends on your relationship with the person and the circumstance. But acknowledgement and witnessing someone’s grief are key to how we move forward, because having our grief acknowledged is so powerful. When we’re avoided totally, or someone makes eye contact and then avoids us, that’s when it feels hurtful. I’m very passionate about getting people comfortable having conversations about grief and learning grief language, so it’s okay to acknowledge and witness someone’s grief instead of avoiding it, especially once you’ve made a connection.

Emma: I think it’s also okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, I can’t comprehend how awful this must be for you, I just want you to know I’m so sorry.” We avoid those conversations because we don’t know what to say, but it’s all right to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Michelle: The way you’ve just said that is so powerful in terms of human connection. Five years down the track now, I can have these conversations with people – family and friends have told me they didn’t know what to say or do, and nor did I, at the time. You’re kind of just in survival mode, trying to get through the day, and filters and sensitivity can change, whether you’re the person experiencing grief or the one supporting them. It’s a perfect thing to say to someone you care about – “I don’t know what to say, but I want to help” – and if you’re not sure how to help, turn it around: “what have you got to do today, can I help you make a phone call, do you need a lift to the shop, do you want me to come with you?” Those practical things are really helpful when someone can’t keep up with them after a death in their immediate circle.

Emma: I love that too – giving a suggestion rather than asking “what can I do?”, which puts the responsibility back on somebody whose brain is like a scrambled egg right now. They’re not going to say, “actually I could really do with some groceries.”

Michelle: They probably haven’t even checked if they’ve got milk. “Have you got any milk? Do you need bread and butter?” – simple things, bringing it back to really basic tasks when grief is overwhelming.

Emma: Why do you think culturally we’re so poor at this? We’re all going to lose somebody, or be lost, eventually – that’s just the reality of life.

Michelle: It’s a hard conversation to have because of the emotions, it’s not easy, but it’s so worthwhile pushing through, because those difficult conversations, the ones that arouse awkwardness and discomfort, are the ones that normalise grief and someone’s experience, so they don’t feel socially isolated, and it helps improve mental health outcomes. That human connection, even around tricky subjects like grief, has such a positive impact on our humanity and emotional wellbeing.

Emma: Maybe it’s so difficult because it’s confronting – what you’re confronting when you acknowledge somebody’s loss is that you will lose too. What helped you most in those first three years after losing Nathan?

Michelle: This is something we talk about a lot in the widowed community – stripping it back to basics. Grief can be so overwhelming that we bring it back to just getting through the next minute, the next hour, the next day, and those can all get mixed up – I’m getting through today okay, but tomorrow might be hard again, so then it’s just the next hour. Grief moves and changes, and even though it feels like time will never move on, it does. We can look at it like the ocean – some days it’s beautiful and calm and we can get through no problem, some days it’s choppy, a bit rough, just get through an hour at a time, some days it’s a huge swell and turbulent, and sometimes there’s a total tsunami wipeout, which can last a while, but the ocean changes again and we can get back to calmer days. For me it’s been five years now as a widow, and it has been one heck of a rollercoaster – what’s helped is amazing relationships and friendships and family, some of which have strengthened into incredible bonds. There are also secondary losses along the way, friendships I haven’t been able to maintain, but that’s a common experience too. We just keep going a day at a time, a week at a time, now a month at a time.

Emma: It’s interesting how mercurial grief is, and maybe knowing that everything is temporary is helpful – the highs are temporary, but so are the lows.

Michelle: Absolutely, especially with that emotional pain, which can have a real physical element too, and be so intense – but knowing it can move and change, even when it feels like it won’t, is important. As grievers we also have a duty of care to look after ourselves, and as tough as it is to reach out, I used to say quite a lot – “my grief pain is really big right now, I’m just needing some help.” And people would say, what can we do? And I’d say, can you just sit with me, can you have a cup of tea with me, can you come with me to the shop? Those little things, continuing to participate in life with that support, it gets easier and easier, because the more we practice our new normal, the better we get at it. My new normal now is certainly cemented in a different future than what I expected before, but there is hope – as grievers we’re allowed to live with love in our heart, live with hope, and delight in life again. When I first laughed after being widowed I felt guilty, like I shouldn’t be laughing when he’s not here, but that’s okay, and now I delight in life every single day.

Emma: That’s almost survivor’s guilt in a way – why should I find joy if they never will again. What do you mean by the physicality of grief, and what are some symptoms people might not expect?

Michelle: Grief affects the chemicals in our brain, which can also affect our cognitive functioning – trauma responses like fight, flight, freeze, appease can kick in, along with concentration, memory, sleep cycles, even blood pressure. It’s very individual as to how people experience it. It’s important to have a regular GP to keep on top of the physical symptoms too, and as a social worker and counsellor I also believe strongly in having someone you’re not emotionally attached to, external from your personal life, to talk to about what you’re experiencing.

Emma: It’s so helpful to go through those practical, physical things, because people might think they’re going mad – can’t remember what they did yesterday, can’t remember why they opened a cupboard – and it’s not crazy, it’s a very common, normal experience.

Michelle: Absolutely.

Emma: You had your two boys when you lost Nathan – what are some practical takeaways for talking to children about grief and death?

Michelle: Children deal with grief very differently to adults – quite often they’ll dip in and out of it very quickly. My little one might ask a question about Nathan’s death, and I’ll explain, and then the next minute it’s “oh look at the pretty butterflies, Mum.” As adults we can get drawn into thinking, okay, does this need exploring more – but no, he’s dipped in, got what he needed from that conversation, and dipped back out. It’s just that children process differently to us, and it’s about going with it. For me it’s so important to be able to talk about Nathan – we talk about him regularly, so my little one knows who his dad is and where he’s come from, and those stories build his confidence and sense of identity, why he’s going to end up quite tall, similar physicality to Nathan. Children are curious and do want to know, so I’d recommend, if little ones around you ask about their pop or dad or whoever has died, it’s okay to have those conversations and go with the flow.

Emma: Is there a benchmark or time when you’d think, okay, we probably need some professional help around counselling or grief for a child?

Michelle: Only you know the child well enough, and each child, like us adults, has their own individual needs. If you have any worries, always reach out to a professional, your GP or a counsellor, psychologist or social worker – it’s worth having conversations and making sure you’ve got the right information to meet your child’s individual needs.

Emma: You talk a lot about how important self-care was for you, and still is – what are some of the things you did and do to manage that emotional and physical experience?

Michelle: Probably the biggest thing is communicating – letting people know in my home, my family, and out in the community, where I’m at with my emotions, if my grief is feeling too big. I also prioritise moving my body, to produce those chemicals in my brain that make me feel better, and being near water and around trees – I love the outdoors, and even in the winter months when we’re all stuck inside hibernating, making sure I get out among some large trees, because that brings good energy to my soul and keeps me going.

Emma: When did you start to feel like yourself again, and when did it occur to you that you wanted to help others going through something similar?

Michelle: Because I’ve been a social worker for 18 years, counselling is certainly in my blood, and it ended up evolving after Nathan’s death. I took some time off, which I needed, to process my grief. Then I decided to start Grief Connect – I initially wanted to do full-time counselling, but it’s evolved, and I’ve realised there’s a bigger need in terms of servicing communities, workplaces and corporate organisations with grief language, which is how the Grief Language Project came about – I’m passionate about supporting our communities and workplaces to become fluent in grief language, so we know what to do and say, whether we’ve experienced a death ourselves or are supporting someone who has.

Emma: So you’ve got three streams with Grief Connect – tell me about those.

Michelle: Online counselling, available via telehealth across Australia. The Grief Language Project, which promotes grief language to communities and workplaces around Australia – I’m also looking at creating resources, both online and tangible. And the widowed support groups, which is what I won the AgriFutures WA Rural Women’s Award for. Four months after Nathan died, despite having so much community, family and friend support, I still felt really isolated and lonely in my grief. I ended up meeting a friend of a friend who was also a widow, and we chatted for a good few hours – she really got it, how devastated and overwhelmed I was, having to figure out a future and find a new normal. From that point I knew I needed to meet other widowed people, and I founded the WA Young Widow Support Group on Facebook, starting with four of us. The group grew as more people jumped in – I had no idea how many widows there were, because we don’t talk about it. It’s now over 340 members across the state. Then my dad died suddenly last September – I’m an only child and he was my best mate, so it was devastating again, and now my mum is a widow too. I also had quite a few people in the older age bracket in the young widow group saying, Michelle, we don’t quite feel young, but what else have you got for us? So I started and launched the Over 55s Widow Support Group last November.

Emma: Both online peer support groups, widows supporting widows, all genders?

Michelle: Yes, and we also arrange face-to-face catch-ups – every member is equal and equally responsible for creating one. The Over 55s group is Australia-wide, so whether you’re in Melbourne or a rural town in the Northern Territory, anyone can create an event, in a public space or a coffee shop if there’s one. The widow support groups aren’t about fixing it, because no one can fix our grief when we’re widowed, but we can share our stories and experiences, and those connections reduce that sense of social isolation and have a great impact on mental health outcomes, because suddenly we’re not isolated.

Emma: It’s a club nobody wants to be part of, but having somebody who can truly relate to your lived experience must be liberating, because you don’t have to explain yourself.

Michelle: It’s a huge bunch of people who just get it – it’s quite incredible, an immediate connection I hadn’t experienced anything like until becoming a widow. There are no judgements in our group, because we’ve all been through one of the worst experiences you can imagine, many of us very traumatic, complex grief and complex trauma – but when we meet, it’s a safe space. Outside the group, everyone has an opinion on how we’re grieving, whether we’re doing it well or not, but when we get together it’s appreciation for each other, giving each other a boost, having a laugh and a cry – there are tears, but so many laughs too. Being able to watch other people’s journeys, seeing someone a year later from when you first met and thinking, wow, you’re doing amazing – that’s where the hope comes from.

Emma: Those connections must be instantaneously deep because of the shared experience – no small talk, straight to the hardcore stuff. You mentioned being surprised by how many widows there are – do you have stats?

Michelle: Across Australia there are 18,000 widowed people under the age of 45, according to the 2021 census, and 1,029,142 widowed people across Australia altogether. It’s shocking, and it’s not something you really think about – and that’s not even counting the family and friends who are also impacted by that grief. Being able to support people through grief and have these open conversations means we don’t have to do grief alone. No one should grieve alone.

Emma: I love the premise of the Grief Language Project – if we lack the language around an experience, we can be caged by it, without the means to express what it’s like. What do you talk about in these workshops?

Michelle: I get to share my story, Nathan’s and my love story, that he died, my grief experience – but I also talk about what grief looks like, what it does to us physically, mentally and emotionally, so people know that when they experience it, they’re not going mad, they’re experiencing grief. I give people tools around communication skills and grief management strategies they can incorporate into daily life, at work or at home – both for the person who’s grieving, and the person supporting them. The Grief Language Project is really a roadmap for how to manage grief and support each other.

Emma: Nobody has a roadmap, so we don’t really know how to best support somebody going through that. What was it like winning the WA AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award, and how has it changed your work?

Michelle: It’s been life-changing – it’s shone a spotlight on grief, on widowed grief specifically, but also grief in general, all the types we experience as human beings, and brought it to the forefront of public conversation. The Australian Women’s Weekly recently ran a five-page article on my story, the widow support groups and the Grief Language Project. That exposure and openness happening in the public arena is incredible, because when you’re out on your own in a rural area, really struggling with grief, knowing there are conversations that are okay to have, that it’s okay to reach out and acknowledge what’s happening – we talk about anxiety and depression a lot, and quite often what’s underlying those conditions is grief, or the loss of somebody. Normalising that conversation means that when it does happen to us, that shock factor is reduced, and it gives us a roadmap for what to do and say next.

Emma: What did you put your $15,000 Westpac grant towards?

Michelle: My website’s been redesigned, and the copywriting of the content updated. I’m also working with a clever business coach supporting me going forward, and looking at expanding the Grief Language Project resources to complement the widow support groups, and having them available online for people in rural, remote and isolated areas.

Emma: Having something to download with prompts on how to start a conversation would be so helpful for someone grappling with a lack of language around their experience.

Michelle: Yes, exactly.

Emma: What would you do with the national award, if you won – an additional $20,000, or $15,000 for runner-up?

Michelle: I’m looking for a publisher, and expanding both the tangible and online resources – webinars, short courses, and longer courses too, for people experiencing grief, and for professionals and workplaces.

Emma: You love getting out to the wheatbelt in WA – what is it you love about working with people out there?

Michelle: Such good energy. Rural communities are amazing – my experience delivering the Grief Language Project to regional and rural communities has been that they really embrace the conversation around grief, because we’ve all experienced it on some level. It’s just having the opportunity to listen and talk and engage around it. Sometimes it’s about giving someone permission to open the door to those chats – everyone has a story, and quite often after presenting, people come and share their grief story with me. There are so many inspiring people out there who’ve learned how to manage their own grief, a day or a week at a time, and it comes back to that sharing of what works and what doesn’t – that’s how we learn off each other.

Emma: Michelle, thank you so much for sharing your story and Nathan’s, and everything you’re doing, and your vision for Grief Connect. It’s been fabulous to spend this time with you.

Michelle: Thank you for having me.