Jenny Seaton from Curtin FM interviews Michelle Moriarty on the helpful things to say to someone who is grieving.

Jenny: What not to say when someone is grieving – of course it can be a very emotional time for everyone, and what we say to comfort someone is very, very important. Joining us now is Michelle Moriarty, herself a widow, a grief expert, social worker and founder of Grief Connect, so she certainly knows all about this. Good afternoon to you, Michelle.

Michelle: Good afternoon, Jenny.

Jenny: Thank you for your time. First of all, Grief Connect – can you explain what that does?

Michelle: Sure. Services at Grief Connect include counselling, which is online, widowed support groups for young and over-55 widows, and also the Grief Language Project, for which I have Connect Cards, conversation cards to help us know what to say and do when we’re supporting someone who’s grieving.

Jenny: That’s a great idea, the cards, because I think we’re all caught on the back foot sometimes if somebody’s grieving, and we’ve never been taught what to say that’s comforting – and that’s what you want to be able to do, and in all good faith we feel we’re going to say the right thing, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen. How are you feeling today – that sounds pretty sad, doesn’t it?

Michelle: It can be a really common experience, when we’re supporting others who are grieving, to feel uncomfortable and awkward and not know what to say – sometimes things can come out that may not feel right or may feel inappropriate, but there are also lots of wonderful things we can say that can open a conversation.

Jenny: Can we touch on the most common things people say to others that perhaps really upset the other person, and of course you’re not aware of it at the time?

Michelle: Sure, there’s certainly a top five that I experience when I’m supporting other widowed people. One of them is “you need to move on”, or “it’s time to get on with it”.

Jenny: Oh gosh, no.

Michelle: Those sorts of statements are very dismissive, and they don’t acknowledge the person’s grief, which is what a grieving person generally needs for support. Another one that’s been said to me before, especially as a younger widow, is “don’t worry, you’ll meet someone else”. When you’re in a space of grieving, no matter your age, thinking about the future can be very difficult – just seeing through to the very next day can be a challenge, let alone thinking about something a lot further out. I do want to acknowledge, Jenny, that these statements are quite often said with good intention.

Jenny: That’s right, yeah, they are.

Michelle: 99% of the time people are really saying something because they want to help, they’re just not quite sure exactly what the right thing is to say – and this is wonderful, that we’re having this conversation now, sharing how we can talk about that.

Jenny: The other one – if someone’s been suffering with an illness for a long time and they pass away, and you say to the person, “they’re now in a better place”. For someone grieving, especially in the early days, that’s not the right thing to say, I suppose?

Michelle: No, because the person who’s grieving and missing their person – even if they’ve experienced trauma through the dying process, or even if it’s been more of a peaceful dying process – it’s really around being able to acknowledge their grief. For the person who’s grieving, the best place, the only better place for their person to be, is here on earth with us. So when you make a statement like that, it has that dismissive effect.

Jenny: Timing is important too, I imagine – if the person they’ve lost has just passed away, is there an ideal time to approach them? Say it’s a workmate who’s come back to work after a couple of weeks – is that the right time to go up and say something?

Michelle: That’s the thing – if we’re looking at timeframes, my advice is to go with your gut instinct. If you have that intuitive thought of “I’m worried about Susan” or “I’m worried about Kevin, should I reach out?” – listen to what your mind and your body might be telling you to do, because that reaching out could be the connection that’s life-changing for that person. Let’s break the ice, let’s show people that we care as human beings, because that’s innately what’s inside of us – to support each other through tough times.

Jenny: Michelle, you were sadly a young widow yourself, and had to deal with getting on with life and accepting a lot of change. What was the most comforting thing anyone ever said to you? Do you remember?

Michelle: Just that simple acknowledgement – when someone said to me, “this just sucks”.

Jenny: Oh, really? Something that simple.

Michelle: That’s so good, especially if I was crying – a lot of us are, within our grief. If someone’s crying, or if they’re quiet, it’s okay to just sit with them and acknowledge them with a statement like that, or “this is just really hard.” It’s okay to literally name what the experience and that emotional space is – that’s the key, that acknowledgement.

Jenny: I reckon that’s a beauty, “this just sucks”. Is that, like, putting your arm around somebody – is that not patronising, do you think?

Michelle: If you have a personal, close and trusting relationship, it’s really okay to be affectionate. I had a friend’s grandmother who was widowed and missing her husband, and she sat crying, and I put my hand on top of hers, and we just sat together, hand on hand – it’s really appropriate. What happens when we’re physically affectionate, when it’s appropriate, is that our brain produces chemicals that make us feel better, like oxytocin.

Jenny: Is that something to consider, especially if you have a personal relationship?

Michelle: If you’re not too sure, my advice would probably be to err on the side of caution, especially in a workplace situation.

Jenny: How would you explain the process of grief?

Michelle: The process of grief is, in one word, messy. It’s unpredictable, it can be all over the place, we can go through a myriad of emotions in a single hour, in a day. There are theories we can look at, but it’s certainly important to remember that we all grieve very differently – how I grieve, Jenny, is going to be different to how you grieve, or how my mum grieves. It’s really around respecting a person’s individual and unique process through grief.

Jenny: I guess you’re right. Is there an average, in terms of time?

Michelle: I often say to people, grief is lifelong – because we’re going to miss our person for the rest of our lives. What can be unhelpful is looking at timeframes, and this is certainly my experience – after 12 months there should apparently be some relief, but you can get to 12 months and if you haven’t experienced that relief, it can be quite damaging, because you haven’t achieved that milestone that’s written on paper. It’s okay to be going through your own process, and if you’re really struggling – it takes a lot of energy, but I really recommend reaching out and talking to someone you trust, or a professional support system.

Jenny: Grief Connect – you’re in WA, aren’t you, Michelle?

Michelle: I am.

Jenny: That’s lovely, that’s nice for a change. So people can find you on Grief Connect, just on the internet?

Michelle: Yes, griefconnect.com.au, and I invite anyone who’s struggling with grief at the moment to come along to a seminar I’m running called the Grief Language Project Seminar – Surviving Grief and Moving Forward. The purpose of the seminar is to support anyone experiencing grief with strategies, to help them understand the process they’re going through, and to give them some hope through a grief process.

Jenny: When and where is it going to be?

Michelle: It’s at the Ingot Hotel, on the 16th of March, in Perth.

Jenny: Thank you so much for your time, Michelle, you’re doing a wonderful job.