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Widowed at 38, Michelle Moriarty knows about grief and what to say to someone who has lost a loved one

By National Regional Reporter  Eliza Borrello

At just 42, Michelle Moriarty has learnt a lot about grief.

In 2018, she became a widow when her partner, 39-year-old Nathan Johnston, died suddenly.

“Nathan and I had our whole lives ahead of us and I had a two-year-old and a six-year-old and we were very excited about life and life changed … every aspect of our life changed that night,” she said.

Looking for others who shared a similar experience, Michelle — who lives in Bunbury, two hours south of Perth — set up a young widow’s Facebook group.

“Despite having so much support from family, friends and my community, I still felt really isolated in my grief,” she said.

Nathan Johnston holding the couple’s son Cody Johnston.(Supplied: Michelle Moriarty)

“The main benefit for me, in the early days particularly, was just that sense of ‘I’m not alone in this; it’s not just me that this has happened to.'”

The group now has more than 300 members.

“[It helped] being able to connect with others emotionally and support each other with the issues we had to face, because there are a lot of unexpected processes and tasks, some are formal, some are informal … after the death of a loved one,” Michelle said.

Michelle and Nathan met when they were 17.(Supplied: Michelle Moriarty)

Last year Michelle’s father died unexpectedly too.

So she set up another Facebook group, this time for widows over 55.

“[It] was something I felt was important, as my mother was now widowed, similarly to me,” she said.

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

Michelle is now using her skills as a social worker to offer grief counselling.

She has also set up The Grief Language Project®, promoting grief education and helpful things to say to people who’ve lost a loved one.

One of her aims is to normalise the experience of grief within communities.

“If your gut instinct is telling you that you should ask someone how they’re travelling, that is the perfect way of saying it,” she said.

“It’s very gentle, ‘So how are you travelling?’

“It’s [also] a lot broader [than asking someone how they are] and it provides the person experiencing grief with a sense of control over what information they choose to share.

“They can offer something about their feelings if they want to … but it also gives an option to give you an answer that suits them without being triggered.”

Michelle says she and Nathan were very excited about living their lives before he died.(Supplied: Michelle Moriarty)

Michelle said her late partner Nathan Johnston did a lot of the couple’s gardening.

After he died, people really helped by offering to help with the weeding, lawn mowing and keeping plants alive.

“Especially in those early days of grief [it’s helpful to ask], ‘So what can I do for you?’ Michelle said.

“‘Are there any tasks or any appointments or any things around the house that I can help with?’

“‘Do you need a meal?'”

Michelle also said that saying someone’s loss was unfair could go a long way.

“It is unfair that our person died and that acknowledgement and witnessing someone’s grief is so powerful,” she said.

What not to say

Michelle says checking in with people in the weeks, months and years after their loss is important.(ABC News: Eliza Borrello)

Michelle said there were some things that should be considered before speaking to someone who was grieving.

“If you’re grocery shopping and you’re trying to get on with a daily task and if you see someone that you might have seen 20 years ago and they ask a question that may raise trauma such as ‘So how did your person die?’, that might not necessarily be appropriate.”

She also said it was important to follow through with promises.

For example, if you say you’ll invite a grieving person over for a barbecue, you should do it.

“I really hung on to invitations [like that] and was disappointed when people didn’t follow through,” Michelle said.

A story of hope

Michelle is grateful to have found new love with Ross Craigie.(Supplied: Michelle Moriarty)

Last night Michelle won the 2023 WA Rural Women’s Award for her commitment to supporting widowed people across regional WA.

“It’s an absolute honour and privilege to be recognised in this role… and it means a lot to me,” she said.

Michelle’s grief is still palpable and she says Nathan will always have a special place in her life.

But she wants her story to be one of hope and is happy to share that she recently became engaged to Ross Craigie, who she reconnected with after Nathan died.

Michelle Moriarty and fiancee Ross Craigie celebrating her winning WA’s Rural Women’s Award for 2023.(ABC News: Eliza Borrello)

“In those early days I couldn’t see through to the next day,” she said.

“But here I am four and a half years later and I delight in life. I’ve found joy in life and I love.

“I keep people who fill my cup and make my energy levels high, I keep them really close to me.

“I think that’s really key going forward as well and just hanging on and remembering that tomorrow’s a new day.”

So here is the write up from me and my share for International Widows Day: Widowhood is grief, and one of the deepest forms of grief a person can ever experience. It is a type of grief that I would never wish on my worst enemy. It is unfathomable to explain just how horrendous, devastating and lonely widowhood grief can feel. Yesterday, I did not write this blog like I had planned originally, because I was out spending time with one of my children. And let me tell you, as a widowed parent, I have spent most of my early widowhood feeling like I was the shittiest parent ever. 

Firstly, because suddenly I was doing a job that I never signed up to do on my own. What a joke that was. It was supposed to be two of us. Nathan and I – riding the rollercoaster of parenting together. He was supposed to be alive and keep working as a parenting team alongside me. 

Secondly, because even though I tried my best throughout all of my parenting, it was not always great. My children were not only managing their own grief, but they were also experiencing their mother’s grief. At times it as not pretty and was damned right ugly at times. I’m not proud of that. 

My window of tolerance very small with irritability and impatience a go to in my mothering survival. I know what they have seen is a mum who has struggled with grief missing their Dad (and Step Dad). They have had a mum who has not ticked all the boxes of being a perfect parent. But lets face it… that’s a load of rubbish as there is no such thing as a perfect parent, only an ideal. 

As a young widowed parent, I was forced to be questioning how I was going to continue find ways to keep feeding my children? How was I going to keep a roof over our heads long term? Could we stay living in our family home? Because one half of the household income is no longer there to pay the bills and Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs was under threat. Because there is no crisis widowed payment from Centrelink (another issue for another write up) and it’s walking away from Centrelink with no support and in deep grief after asking for help with a “too bad, so sad” response. 

Let me tell you that the feeling of not knowing if you can keep your house, some kind of continuing lifestyle for your kids, or how you are going to pay the car registration and many other bills that keep arriving, is absolutely terrifying and only serves to compound grief missing your person. 

And that is just scratching the surface of what widowhood is about. Because when our person dies, our entire life turns into something we do not recognise, do not know, did not ask for, and never wanted. Within this deep grief, we are forced to continue pushing through to the next day. But quite often, that is too much. People wanting to help around make statements of good intent and say “just get through the next day”… NO. This is about getting through the next hour or the next minute. It is survival mode at it’s purest. 

Yes, time has gone on for me. I never thought it would. But here we are, me writing, you reading, 8 years after Nathan died. My life has changed immensely in ways that I never thought possible. And also, as a widow, when I have days like yesterday, where I am functioning and multitasking like a boss again, and also spending quality time with my kids, that has to be celebrated, and means that it’s OK to write this blog a day late. 

To non-widowed parents, yesterday, might have seemed like just another average day. Just another day of doing routine tasks. But for me, and for many widowed people out there, it is an achievement in grief, and in life. Maggie Dent, an incredible Parenting Expert advocates that ‘You just have to be a good parent 30-40% of the time’ on her “Good Enough Parent” podcast. So, yesterday, as a widowed parent, to be able to get through the day and feel like a “good enough parent” is something worth celebrating and I’m high fiving myself. I know Nathan would be high fiving me right back from the heavens. So I’ll take that and embrace it.

Because the reality is that for many widowed people, we can lower those percentage numbers… because running on empty and still making it to the end of the day.. or the end of the hour in one piece and only ‘just’ functioning is a huge achievement when experiencing deep grief. 

To all of my widowed friends and peers out there who are pushing hard though each day, please know that you are freaking amazing. Huge credit to you for arriving at this point in time, right now. You are doing great, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I see you. Remember that you are not alone.

Celebrate the small wins. And remember that although it might not feel like it, there is hope and there is a future ahead. 

As we move into the day after International Widows’ Day, others may move forward, but we remember.

We live being widowed every single day.

If you know someone who is widowed and grieving, please let them know about the Grief Connect® Community. A space for grief to be shared and supported by peers in live online conversations and posts. Access the community by clicking the button below.

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