The Grief Language Project® conversation with Michelle Moriarty. #FromGriefToGrowth

Hashtag Death – because conversations about death and dying should be trending.

Ingrid: Today I am interviewing Michelle Moriarty. She was recommended to me initially by a rural advocate and previous guest of the pod, Rachelle Olson, the baby loss mentor, who’s in rural New South Wales. When Rachelle and I were chatting, she realised I was in Western Australia and said a wonderful rural grief advocate is Michelle Moriarty. So I did a bit of a deep dive, and I was absolutely blown away by what I found in Michelle’s passion, and of course her umbrella of amazing services that she’s built off the back of a very personal grief story. She’s a grief expert, founder and director of Grief Connect, the Grief Language Project, and both the young and over-55s widow peer support groups, which all come under the one umbrella. Her wonderful exposure through these services, and as an in-demand keynote speaker on these topics, saw her win the 2023 WA AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award. So thank you, Michelle, for joining me – I’m very grateful you were recommended so highly. First question – what do you believe is the greatest misconception or myth about death and grief?

Michelle: Coming from a widowed perspective, the first thing, especially if you Google “widow” or “widowed”, is redback spiders, women of a much older age than I was when I was widowed, wearing black, people crying. It’s a very sad appearance, that stigma associated with grief and widowhood. That was a total challenge for me when I was first widowed, because at 38 I’m not supposed to be wearing black and being a 90-year-old person. That was hugely challenging in terms of identity, and what being a widow, or someone experiencing deep levels of grief, actually looks like – because the stigma we think of when we think of grief or widowhood isn’t accurate. That’s probably the biggest myth I’m extremely passionate about smashing through.

Ingrid: We’ll certainly get into the beautiful purpose you’ve built from that extremely unfortunate circumstance. But if we go back a little further – tell us about where you grew up, your childhood, and any early exposure to grief, death or dying, or anyone you knew who’d been widowed or lost someone close.

Michelle: I had a very fortunate childhood – I’m an only child, mum and dad both extremely loving and caring. My initial exposure to death was around the deaths of my grandparents, and my parents were very pragmatic around my involvement, making good decisions for me based on my age. When I was 10 I attended my Nan’s funeral, and that ritual, and having open conversations around death and what it meant, and that it’s emotional and you miss somebody – my parents gave me some really clear learning as a child about what this looks like, and that gave me the basis for managing death as an adult.

Ingrid: So, before you became widowed – did that lead you into your career path? I understand you come from a background in social work. Was that always a passion?

Michelle: I’ve definitely always had that natural empathy, and it was a career path I chose as a 19-year-old. It took a few years – as a high school student there’s a lot of pressure to know what you want to do in your final years, but I didn’t know at that point that I wanted to be a social worker, and there wasn’t a lot of information around about what social work actually was. It wasn’t until I was 19 that I explored courses more, found community services courses, and progressed to a Bachelor of Social Work at Edith Cowan University. I remember my first lecture and just loved it – knew this is what I’m supposed to be doing. But death-related grief specifically was not something I was thinking my career would end up in – that came later, after Nathan’s death, when I realised this was a huge change in my trajectory.

Ingrid: You became a widow very suddenly, which would be tough no matter your age. Can you speak to what those initial days looked like?

Michelle: Nathan died suddenly when I was 38. I had two small children, my youngest with Nathan was two, and at that point we had a really exciting future ahead of us – the caravan, the four-by-two home, enjoying each other. It was a huge shock, one I was completely unprepared for – I had no concept of how deep grief could actually go. It impacted every single aspect of my life, debilitating at times, totally overwhelming, and the most terrifying part was thinking the changes and the grief were permanent. What I’ve realised over time is that grief moves and changes, it never stays the same. In those early days the shock was so immense that I had to keep things really simple, return to clear basics to get through the day. Within our widowed community we often talk about simplifying it – let’s just get through today, or the next hour, or if that’s too big, the next minute. Over time that period starts to stretch out – from getting through the next day, to the next couple of days, to the next week, and then a month’s flown by. It’s about keeping things as simple as possible and staying emotionally safe and connected to other people through the journey. Grief in itself is hugely isolating – that’s certainly been my experience. I grew up in Bunbury, I have a huge community, close family and friends, and despite having that immense support I still felt really isolated in my grief. That’s why it’s so important to stay connected, to tell people how you’re going, or what you need – even if you don’t know what you need, it’s okay to say “I don’t know what I need, but my grief is just so big right now.”

Ingrid: In those early days, several months in, that extreme overwhelm threatening to swallow you up – did you go looking for support, or were you in survival mode? When did you start to find those structures?

Michelle: Timeframes with grief can be really tricky – my shock and survival mode went on for a long time, way longer than a few months, and it’s quite blurry looking back on exactly how long, though periods of clarity would come in and out. About four months after Nathan died, still in that world of what’s just happened and what do I do, with huge support but still feeling really isolated, I ended up meeting with another widow who offered me her time. We spoke for hours, and it had a huge impact on me, because suddenly I was connected with someone who got it, who was surviving, who was doing okay in life – at that point I couldn’t see through to the next day. Meeting a peer who shared her experience, her story, her survival, gave me hope – I walked away thinking there is hope for me to continue through life, that I might even feel joy again, because four months in I couldn’t feel any joy at all. After meeting that widow, I started a Facebook chat with four other widowed people, and the WA Young Widowed Support Group was launched. I later learned there are 1,029,142 widowed people across Australia according to the 2021 census – a significant portion of our population directly impacted by grief, not even counting friends, family and colleagues.

Ingrid: That’s a beautiful evolution – from that first sliver of hope meeting one widow, to knowing you’re part of over a million. What order did your other services come in from there?

Michelle: The widowed support group came first, and as it grew I realised there’s more of us out there, so I launched the Grief Connect counselling service, specialising in grief and bereavement counselling online, because I’m a social worker and wanted to offer individual support. Then, unfortunately, my dad Neville died suddenly in 2022 – we were super close, and it was a huge shock again, and of course my mum is now widowed too. That prompted the Over 55s Widow Support Group. So there’s now support available nationally for both the young and over-55s Grief Connect Widow Support Groups. Everyone is an equal member – it’s peer support, sharing stories and experiences, posts and information, and face-to-face catch-ups, which anyone in the group can create, especially useful if you’re in a rural or isolated area – a public place, a park, or even just a farm gate to go and have a chat. We’ve had catch-up dinners, coffees, sometimes with kids along – and what happens in those catch-ups is that sense of “I’m not the only one, me too, I get it”, which smashes through that social isolation and normalises the grief experience, because a common conversation I have with other widowed people is that intense grief can feel like you’re losing your mind – I thought I was going mad in those early months, thinking it was permanent. As time moves forward, grief can ease, and that’s been my experience and the experience of fellow widows on a similar timeline.

Ingrid: How did Grief Connect and the Grief Language Project spring from your own experience and your knowledge as a social worker?

Michelle: In March 2023 I won the AgriFutures WA Rural Women’s Award for the widow support group projects, and around the same time I was developing and launching the Grief Language Project, which complements the widowed support groups. It’s available online and face-to-face in seminars, an education and training program that can be tailored to a workplace or community, addressing the four pillars associated with grief and bereavement – preparing, navigating, surviving and thriving through grief. It offers people practical tools to develop their language and communication skills, so when they’re supporting someone who’s experienced a death, they know what to do and what to say – and for people who are experiencing grief themselves, tools around knowing what to say to others as they go through it.

Ingrid: So it’s a good toolbox not just for businesses and organisations, but families, partners and the individual experiencing the grief too.

Michelle: Absolutely. It gives people tools they can incorporate into daily home life, that they can bring home and have a conversation with family in a safe, comfortable way, and also have appropriate conversations in the workplace. The purpose is around increasing psychological safety.

Ingrid: Did the need for the Grief Language Project spring from what I’d call an increased grief literacy that the community is really seeking – understanding how to help and be adjacent to grievers in a more supportive way?

Michelle: Yes, it’s certainly around supporting people to become more comfortable in conversations around death-specific grief, and having the confidence to know what to do and say to someone who’s experienced a death. It came through conversations I’ve had with friends and family about their experience supporting me – them saying, Michelle, we didn’t know what to do, we didn’t know what to say, we wanted to help but just didn’t know. So the Grief Language Project has that side, where I teach people how to support someone experiencing grief, but also, if you’re the person experiencing grief, I provide a toolbox for how you can unpack and communicate with others how you’re feeling, so they know what to do and say too.

Ingrid: And is Grief Connect a completely separate entity, or does it umbrella everything we’ve spoken about?

Michelle: Grief Connect is the umbrella organisation, and the services under it are counselling, the widowed support groups, and the Grief Language Project.

Ingrid: When you present as a keynote speaker on the Grief Language Project to an organisation or company, what’s the feedback been like?

Michelle: I’ve presented to large audiences at health conferences with health professionals, and to community events both small and large. The feedback has been entirely positive – it’s almost like the audience are relieved, a real sense of relief, along with a lot of appreciation that grief is being discussed and prioritised. People also take away a real sense of normalising what the grief and bereavement process has been like for them.

Ingrid: At the heart of all these purpose-driven services is still your own personal grief. Are you able to speak to what your grief looks and feels like now?

Michelle: My grief has eased, and I’ve made a real effort to process it – I access my own support counsellor, a psychologist, because I feel that’s important, especially working in this field, and as a social worker I also have monthly social work supervision. Those are two ways I support my own grief. On a personal note, at home, if I experience a trigger, I take real notice of what’s happening for me, and I’m certainly an expert in managing my own grief these days. I tell people around me if my grief is feeling too big – if I notice I’m stressed or a bit snappy, I’ll make an active choice to say, look, I’m sorry if I’ve been off today, it’s just that my grief is really big right now. Usually I’m talking to my partner Ross, because I have re-partnered, and he’ll say, what can I do to help? And my response is often, I’m not too sure, I just needed to tell you, I just needed you to know where I was at. Quite often it’s as simple as that.

Ingrid: Almost like articulating it, speaking to its existence, brings it back into perspective.

Michelle: I think so. It’s something I keep an awareness around – checking in with myself on how I’m feeling and why, whether it’s grief or not, on a daily basis, and I think that’s true for anyone, no matter the type or reason for the grief. It’s coming up to six years since Nathan’s death, and just over a year since my dad died – two streams of missing people in my life, but I also quite often reflect on the happy times. Both Nathan and my dad brought so much joy to my life, and there are so many wonderful memories I can recall, sometimes unexpectedly, and I’ll sit and enjoy that memory lane, or share those stories. Especially with our children, being able to share stories about who our people were helps bring their own sense of identity to the forefront – I find it enjoyable talking to my kids about what Pop did, or having a joke about a memory.

Ingrid: Has winning the 2023 AgriFutures WA Rural Women’s Award elevated your visibility, and what’s next for the Grief Language Project and Grief Connect as a whole?

Michelle: The AgriFutures Rural Women’s Award changed my life – it changed the trajectory of Grief Connect to a very fast pace. The alumni through the award is a huge network of incredible women who’ve offered me their time, kindness and expertise, and referrals to the best individuals and services, which has moved Grief Connect and the Grief Language Project forward. The media and public awareness generated through the award has also brought grief and widowed grief to the forefront of conversation – last year I was featured in a five-page article in the Australian Women’s Weekly, openly discussing the widow support groups and the Grief Language Project. Yesterday I had coffee with Maggie Dent. The connections I’ve made since the award have been nothing but life-changing – not just for me personally, but for people everywhere, because as that grief literacy work starts to get elevated, the change really is being made.

Ingrid: If you had one dream or goal for grievers, and more specifically young widows, moving forward – what would it be?

Michelle: That we were prepared for grief following death, so that when it happens, people know what’s happening to them, understand the process, and understand that grief is a lifelong process – but the intensity or deepness of it isn’t necessarily permanent, and it’s something we can move forward through, living with happiness and joy while also missing our person at the same time. It’s a part of our human beingness, if you like.

Ingrid: Thank you so much, Michelle, this has been extremely informative – the work you’re doing is to be applauded. It comes from a place of personal experience and pain, but it’s a real gift to others. Good luck with everything, and we’ll put all your links in the show notes.

Michelle: Thank you so much for having me today.