Bunbury Mail - Bunbury widow creates a community of support for West Australians

Michelle Moriarty keeps the memory of her late husband Nathan alive for five-year-old Cody and nine-year-old Aodhan.

A BUNBURY widow’s search for people in similar situations has resulted in a state-wide following on Facebook.

Mother-of-two Michelle Moriarty is founder of the WA Young Widowed Support Group, an online group formed in 2018 for anyone in WA who has experienced the death of a partner.

Now after just three years, the group has over 70 members from Bunbury, the Pilbara, Great Southern, Busselton, Margaret River, Mandurah, Rockingham and Perth.

Ms Moriarty told the Mail that despite having the support of family and friends, she initially felt lonely and isolated after the sudden death of her partner, Nathan.

“Nathan died unexpectedly on June 10, 2018. It was a huge shock to us. I didn’t have anyone around who actually understood what it was like to lose a partner,” Ms Moriarty said.

When Nathan passed, Michelle became a single mother to their son Cody and Nathan’s stepson, Aodhan.

“The people around me were extremely supportive and sympathetic, but no one actually got it.”

Six weeks after Nathan’s death, Ms Moriarty met a widow in Bunbury who was in similar circumstances.

“She invited me over for a chat. Just having someone that had been through the death of a partner gave me a huge sense of connection to someone else.”

As the network in Bunbury grew, Ms Moriarty went to Facebook to start the group then called the South West Young Widowed Support Group. She said the fast growth of the group resulted in the name change.

Ms Moriarty organises face-to-face peer support catch-ups in the form of dinners or park catch ups where widows can bring their children to also connect.

“Anyone can make posts and start a conversation. I hope that as people get stronger in their widowhood journey they can start creating their own catch-ups and meetings in their home town.”

Ms Moriarty is remarried and said she is moving forward, not moving on.

“Everyone has an opinion of young windows re-partnering and the time frame we do it in but there’s no time frame for grief. Ross is so supportive and respectful, we’re living our life with our boys and Nathan would want me to do that. A lot of us widows say that our hearts are so big that we’re able to love another person as well. I’m always going to love and miss Nathan.”

Ms Moriarty said young widowed people are welcome to join by visiting www.facebook.com/groups/westaustralianyoungwidowed

“I want people to know that there are people around you that get it. You’re not alone, there are connections out there.”

So here is the write up from me and my share for International Widows Day: Widowhood is grief, and one of the deepest forms of grief a person can ever experience. It is a type of grief that I would never wish on my worst enemy. It is unfathomable to explain just how horrendous, devastating and lonely widowhood grief can feel. Yesterday, I did not write this blog like I had planned originally, because I was out spending time with one of my children. And let me tell you, as a widowed parent, I have spent most of my early widowhood feeling like I was the shittiest parent ever.

Firstly, because suddenly I was doing a job that I never signed up to do on my own. What a joke that was. It was supposed to be two of us. Nathan and I – riding the rollercoaster of parenting together. He was supposed to be alive and keep working as a parenting team alongside me.

Secondly, because even though I tried my best throughout all of my parenting, it was not always great. My children were not only managing their own grief, but they were also experiencing their mother’s grief. At times it as not pretty and was damned right ugly at times. I’m not proud of that.

My window of tolerance very small with irritability and impatience a go to in my mothering survival. I know what they have seen is a mum who has struggled with grief missing their Dad (and Step Dad). They have had a mum who has not ticked all the boxes of being a perfect parent. But lets face it… that’s a load of rubbish as there is no such thing as a perfect parent, only an ideal.

As a young widowed parent, I was forced to be questioning how I was going to continue find ways to keep feeding my children? How was I going to keep a roof over our heads long term? Could we stay living in our family home? Because one half of the household income is no longer there to pay the bills and Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs was under threat. Because there is no crisis widowed payment from Centrelink (another issue for another write up) and it’s walking away from Centrelink with no support and in deep grief after asking for help with a “too bad, so sad” response.

Let me tell you that the feeling of not knowing if you can keep your house, some kind of continuing lifestyle for your kids, or how you are going to pay the car registration and many other bills that keep arriving, is absolutely terrifying and only serves to compound grief missing your person.

And that is just scratching the surface of what widowhood is about. Because when our person dies, our entire life turns into something we do not recognise, do not know, did not ask for, and never wanted. Within this deep grief, we are forced to continue pushing through to the next day. But quite often, that is too much. People wanting to help around make statements of good intent and say “just get through the next day”… NO. This is about getting through the next hour or the next minute. It is survival mode at it’s purest.

Yes, time has gone on for me. I never thought it would. But here we are, me writing, you reading, 8 years after Nathan died. My life has changed immensely in ways that I never thought possible. And also, as a widow, when I have days like yesterday, where I am functioning and multitasking like a boss again, and also spending quality time with my kids, that has to be celebrated, and means that it’s OK to write this blog a day late.

To non-widowed parents, yesterday, might have seemed like just another average day. Just another day of doing routine tasks. But for me, and for many widowed people out there, it is an achievement in grief, and in life. Maggie Dent, an incredible Parenting Expert advocates that ‘You just have to be a good parent 30-40% of the time’ on her “Good Enough Parent” podcast. So, yesterday, as a widowed parent, to be able to get through the day and feel like a “good enough parent” is something worth celebrating and I’m high fiving myself. I know Nathan would be high fiving me right back from the heavens. So I’ll take that and embrace it.

Because the reality is that for many widowed people, we can lower those percentage numbers… because running on empty and still making it to the end of the day.. or the end of the hour in one piece and only ‘just’ functioning is a huge achievement when experiencing deep grief.

To all of my widowed friends and peers out there who are pushing hard though each day, please know that you are freaking amazing. Huge credit to you for arriving at this point in time, right now. You are doing great, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I see you. Remember that you are not alone.

Celebrate the small wins. And remember that although it might not feel like it, there is hope and there is a future ahead.

As we move into the day after International Widows’ Day, others may move forward, but we remember.

We live being widowed every single day.

If you know someone who is widowed and grieving, please let them know about the Grief Connect® Community. A space for grief to be shared and supported by peers in live online conversations and posts. Access the community by clicking the button below.